Focus On Your Own Journey

Lately I’ve been trying to think of ways to stay positive.  Realistically I know I have a great life.  I have a wonderful family, great friends, and a decent job.  The struggle comes when I compare myself and what I have, to what others have.  There are things I feel I’m missing in life.  Some natural stepping stones in one’s life most experience that I have not, yet.  The two obvious (and the ones that affect my heart and happiness the most) are a marriage/husband and a kid of my own.  In all fairness I’ve known since I was eight that I could never carry a child.  As a teenager and into my twenties I never got too attached to the idea.  It’s only recently I’ve become aware of the miracle I’m missing.  When I feel this way I’m fortunate to be able to look at my nieces and nephews.  They show me the same unconditional love one of my own children would show me.  There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect them from harm.  I believe they are aware of that fact, which has created a bond.  The bond is different than with your own child (I assume), but just as strong in its own right.

The not being married is harder to reconcile.  I’m a good person who has a lot to offer, but my dealings with men have shown me I’m pretty easy to walk away from.  Of course there are many women out there who are prettier, smarter, and kinder than me.  My mind settles on the old cliché, “I just haven’t met the right one.”

In the grand scheme of life I just have to be happy with what I do have.  Every day I have love, food, shelter, and clothing.  I don’t have to worry about where any of these things are coming from and I’d say that’s a blessing.  Everyone’s journey in life is unique.  You can choose to let your attitude be a road block on the road to happiness.

Sneak Peek of my short story- No Trespassing

No Trespassing

            Sophie

I knew I could do one of two things: either dig myself a deeper hole, or shut up.  On this particular cool October evening, I found myself in the back seat of a cop car.  It was definitely not my finest hour.

            After the cops had me sitting in the car for over 45 minutes, handcuffed no less, I decided I couldn’t keep quiet.  I needed to ask Officer Anderson what was taking so long.  Awkwardly I stuck my head out the window.  The crisp air made my nose tingle.  “Officer Anderson, do I get to go home soon?”  The swirling red and blue lights lit up the area as he came up beside the car.  I twitched my nose to try to relieve the itch.

            “We’re still checking things out.  You’ll need to hold tight.”

            “What’s taking so long?  Why are we still here?”

            “So that’s how you’re going to play it?  Act like you don’t know.”

            “Um, I really don’t know.  My boyfriend and I did trespass through the gate of the air field.”  I glanced back at the police car behind me where they were holding Kyle.  “I know we shouldn’t have, but we wanted to watch the planes take off and have some time alone.”

            “How long were you here before we showed up?”

            “I think around an hour or so.”

            “That’s what Kyle said too.”   Officer Anderson looked at the officer behind him with an expression I could not place and said, “The time frame fits.”  The other officer nodded in agreement.

            Officer Anderson began to make me really scared.  I was getting the feeling there was more going on here.  Those emotions were amplified as Anderson bent his head down to my window, looked me straight in the eye and with a frustrated hiss, “So you’re telling me you guys were here for an hour and never saw the body that was lying 500 yards away from you, over in the grass.”

            I looked over to where Officer Anderson was pointing.  It was only then I noticed the other officers all standing around something.  I couldn’t tell what it was for sure.  The shape of the object did look like the size of a person lying horizontal.  My mouth dropped open and my eyes began to water as I said, “I didn’t see anything!  We didn’t see anything!  Honest!”

            The blare of the ambulance siren screamed as it approached.  Paramedics ran over to the person in the grass to assess the situation, Officer Anderson joined them.  After a couple minutes I could see one of them shake their head, no.  This was not good.  It dawned on me.  The cops thought we had something to do with why this person was lying in the field, seemingly unable to move.  Officer Anderson was heading back to the car.  He informed me, “They’re dead.  Now you’re going to tell me again why you were here and what you were doing.”

Through The Rain

How can I stop the rain?

How do I work through the pain?

I’m so tired of being tired.

I want things I can’t have, and it leads me down the rabbit hole of self-doubt.

My heart is the tool to dig me out.

It’s all I have to rely on.

 

There is a way to stop the rain.

There is a way through the pain.

My soul lifts me up.

My faith lights the path to a happy life.

The confidence I had, returns.

I see the sun over the horizon.

 

I made it through the rain.

I pushed past all the pain.

Dreams

     There have only been two dreams I can recall as vividly as a movie I just saw on the big screen.  The both evoked so much emotion I felt like I was reading0.0 a Shakespeare sonnet.  I remember every detail.  The best part is that they have me peace of mind.
     The first came about three years after my dad passed away.  In my dream I was walking down the stairs in our house.  I was leaving for the day.  I could hear my mom, grandma, and dad talking in the kitchen.  As I entered the kitchen I saw my dad in a wheelchair.  He was frail, just like he was right before he passed away.  My grandma pushed his wheelchair over to me.  My dad struggled to stand up to give me a hug, but as he put his arms around me he returned to his healthy self.  The weight of worry was lifted off me.  I knew he was okay now.
     The second dream came the day after my friend Joy's funeral.  When I found out she passed away I wished for just one more conversation with her.  That is literally the first thing I thought of when I heard she passed away.  So in this dream we were talking and laughing at dinner (she had a great laugh).  There was nothing special about what we were talking about, but I was fully aware that this was our last conversation.  I was provided comfort in that moment.
     The message in these dreams was received loud and clear.  The visions are etched in my mind I get to carry them in my heart until I see my dad and Joy again.

The Possibility

I couldn’t give you what you wanted

So you left me all alone

You should have had a little patience and faith in me

In the end you stood cold as stone

I still can’t get you out of my head

It feels like there is something missing

 

Does your heart call for me?

When you close your eyes do you think of what could be?

Cause I think about you more than I should

I miss the possibility of you and me

 

We gave up too easy, never really giving love a chance

I was afraid to give in to what I was feeling

And you were too scared to dance

I didn’t want to play the fool, since you never told me how you felt

We both had trouble dealing.

 

Does your heart call for me?

When you close your eyes, do you think of what could be?

Cause I think about you more than I should

I miss the possibility of you and me

 

I’ve tried to move on, but in my heart I need you

The way you made me feel, I have never felt before

You saw the real me and wanted more

I just wasn’t ready to be that open

Is it too late to say I’m ready now?

 

Does your heart call for me?

When you close your eyes, do you think of what could be?

Cause I think about you more than I should

I miss the possibility of you and me

Welcome!

Thank you for checking out my writing!  I hope you like what you read.  Feedback is always welcome.  I'd love to hear from you.